Reflections on 25

This was originally written on Jan 26, 2022

It's in the quiet moments

When I’m going through my things
Sometimes an old song, from a playlist so old I don’t remember when I made it.
Sometimes it's an odd comment,

“That was in 2015, which was 7 years ago”

Did I really leave high school so long ago? Was my only year of college so far in the past?

My younger family members are almost all adults now.
Every time I see them I look at them with both awe and silent panic.

I’m at that age where "having potential" is no longer considered appropriate.

I'm supposed to be doing something.

I’m torn into at least 3 pieces.

I resent my job, even though I make the same as my peers without ever getting a degree.
I love the people. They’re sweet, mostly. Or at least mean well.

But I would rather be unemployed than here for another 4 years.

I work so hard and so many hours, but at the same time, I feel unfocused and unmotivated at times because I don’t have passion for the work.
Occasionally it feels good to be a part of something, but more often than not, I look around and see mediocrity in my life.

I’m in my first home, supposedly living the American dream, and all I can think about is:
How stressful it is to pay for repairs.
How the dishes pile up,
How more of my stuff should be unpacked.

I look in the mirror and see failures.
My waistline. My stomach. My chest. All unsatisfactory.

I watch the days become months, and my life slipping away like a pinpricked artery.

I feel so small, so finite.

1/3 of my life is over. 1/4 if I’m extremely blessed.

Even as I wonder if I’ll ever do anything of Value, I know in my heart the truly important contributions will fly right over my head until I die. The greatest thing I ever do may be to give a homeless person $20.

It's a strange duality, 25.

I’m reconciling that I’ve always been one who made his dreams come true:
(Buying a house. Making music, making films)

With the very Adult sense that time is fleeting like the seasons, and just as a year ends before our awareness of it begins (2021) I realize my own mortality and lack of specialness.

My life is no more valuable than others who live and die daily.

My dreams may never be fully realized.
I could die in my sleep tonight and my goals will all remain unfinished.
Maybe what’s happening is that I’m beginning to see my life as a fragile, precious gift, not some grand movie plot where I am the main character.

Whatever the next 25 years or seconds have in store for me, I’m thankful to God that I got to experience this joy and sorrow called life. I wouldn’t have lived it any other way.